It’s hard to grow up and to notice that happy ever-after does not exist. For a long time I refused to grow up, and that’s why I believed in things like God and the power of your thoughts and life after death. Now I think it’s all a sham really. There is so much beauty, yes, but there is also so much death and suffering. How can I believe that the universe works in my favour when children drown and innocent men and women are burned alive, stabbed or otherwise victimised with blind and spiteful violence? Where is God then? Oh, but of course the universe will help you find that new house! Because you are special, and so important that the universe will let a child starve so it can help you find your new dream home!
Can I still believe in some kind of magic? I honestly don’t know. I want to pay attention to the blessings I do have, but I can’t for the life of me understand what I did to deserve them and why other people go hungry and are obliged to roam the streets. Where is the notion of justice in all this? Is justice a concept which we humans invented? And should I just close my eyes and shut my ears and thank the heavens that I’m not one of them?
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever struggled with these difficult questions. So now I want to look for allies, for people who have lived these questions in a sincere way and have not settled for easy, unsatisfactory answers. I don’t want to settle for magical thinking, I want real, raw honesty. Maybe there are no answers to be found, and that is fine. But I long for companionship on this lonely, sad road called life on earth, with a beating heart that belongs to nature, which is both beautiful and terrible. I will not be distracted anymore by petty romance, or by trying to gain other people’s approval. I’m done with that bullshit. I need to be real and I need to find thinkers who were real.
I’m not sure this blog fits me anymore, as my beliefs have changed a lot, but on the other hand I’m an organic being who changes every day, and why should I deny my past? Should I start a new blog just because I’m not as positive, spiritual and idealistic as I used to be? I’m still idealistic in a way, in that I have strong feelings about how the world should be, but I’m not at all sure anymore about if this life has any meaning, a terrible thought which I used to flee at all costs, as my blog testifies. If the new things I write don’t resonate with you, feel free to unsubscribe. Inspirational quotes just don’t do it for me anymore as they used to. I do hope that I will always retain a sense of light in the darkness, even if the night does seem very dark right now. It’s been an interesting journey and I feel like I’m questioning every assumption I’ve ever had, which I consider a good thing, even if it’s often painful. Although I find it very hard to believe right now, I do feel like I’m not done with the concept of God or a deeper reality, and I probably never will. But you will not find any easy answers on this blog, or any kind of certainty about anything.
It’s scary for me too.