If you are not being honest with yourself in some way, if you stay in a place that’s bad for you, that is harming your soul, there will always be a reckoning. We can postpone it, but we can’t escape it forever. It’s scary, it’s heartbreaking, it’s here, slumbering, waiting for us to see the truth.
You’ve had your heart broken. Grief is good, grief is honest. It’s better than living in an illusion and recycling the same old, harmful patterns. Grief is an opportunity to change, to come back to yourself and listen. For a while, do nothing but listen. Your body needs you, desperately needs you to see the truth. You were harming yourself by staying. You are more than this relationship. You are lonely because you are estranged from yourself. Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely understandable. You have done the very human thing of grabbing all your painful emotions and memories and asking someone else to hold them for a while. So you can breathe, so you can feel safe. So you can belong.
Yet somehow handing this kind of power to someone else only offered you temporary relief. Sometimes they would understand, other times they would criticise you or appear indifferent. The understanding felt good, but it only deepened your hunger for love.
Sometimes they would move away from you, distant and cold, and you would panic. You needed them to regulate you, to help you calm yourself.
Now they are gone and you feel anything but calm. You feel lost, alone, desperate, miserable. You need them in your life to feel okay. All this is very normal. You are not weird or wrong for feeling this way. Your barrier between the alive, raw world and yourself is gone. Your distraction from the state of your life is gone. It’s right there, you can see it, and it hurts. You can see how afraid you are to live, to try new things, to stick with them. You compare your own messy life to how other people seemingly have it together and you feel like such a failure. How will anyone ever love you? How will you ever feel happy again?
These are good questions. The future might look bleak. Don’t worry though about that big chunk of life that you envision in your mind as “the future”. Just think about how you can make today a little better. Crying is good. Screaming in your pillow is good. Not wanting to go outside is good. Grabbing a pen and paper afterwards and writing a love letter to the person you lost is good. Crying is good. Watching a movie to distract yourself from the pain is good. Everything has its time and place. What can you do for yourself today? How can you show yourself that you have faith? Faith in your own strength. In the fierceness of life. Faith that each day will bring something good, even if it’s just the relief you feel after a good cry. After a while you might start to see that the only question that really matters is: how can I show myself that I’m worthy of love? How can I be brave and allow myself to trust that I know what makes me feel alive and happy? How can I forgive myself for the stumbles on the road? How can I open my mind and my heart to my full self?
Dear friend, of course I’m jumping way ahead of myself. You are feeling lonely and broken. You desperately want someone to tell you that you will get back together, that you won’t have to live alone. You would rather skip this business of having to carry everything by yourself. You really, really love him/her and it hurts to breathe. I know. It’s okay, totally okay to feel that. Can you take a few deep breaths? Can you trust me when I say that it’s not so important whether you get back together or not right this instant? Can you breathe a little deeper still? That’s the only thing you need to know right now: there is time to figure it all out. It’s going to be okay even if you don’t contact him/her today. There is time to breathe, to cry, to watch a good movie, to read a book, to take a walk. You are not alone. Life will always carry you, it will not let you fall. Trust me, there is time.
Now that you know this, what is the next right thing you can do for yourself?