I don’t mean to sound preachy here or to make any definitive statements about God or whether you should believe He exists or not. I was writing in my journal and these words just kind of flowed through me, without much effort from my part. This is my personal experience and what I believe.
God is infinitely merciful, alhamdulillah.
I felt His presence today as I was working on my paper and I understood that He was gently guiding me towards the light, towards truth. I also felt that it was a very intimate matter, between Him and me, and that it was nobody else’s business what I did or didn’t do.
Nothing can replace real faith, real certainty in the existence and mercy of God.
No law or opinion or friend or video. It’s there or it isn’t, and God is infinitely
patient, except with the unjust. There is retribution when you intentionally set out
to hurt or destroy, but again, no more than is just, for God knows you by heart
and knows everything you’re struggling with. He knows what you need to grow and to break through the cycle of darkness and fear. He is with you, even at the end of all things.
He knows you, He is there. Even in your loneliest hour He is there, listening. Not to judge you, but to sustain you like He sustains all life.
The seed blooms into a tree. The same intelligence, love and mercy has a blueprint of beautiful, spectacular, tenacious growth for you. Life is always asserting itself without apologies.
So don’t apologise for choosing to live in abundance over merely existing. Look at nature, it was meant to be this way. Winter turns into spring and all the hidden seeds start blossoming. And when it’s time to let go, you will land gently on a patch of leaves and be reborn in a different form. But He remains. Your love for Him remains and you will know yourself exactly as you are: infinite.
By Joseph Fasano
It’s true there were times when it was too much
and I slipped off in the first light or its last hour
and drove up through the crooked way of the valley
and swam out to those ruins on an island.
Blackbirds were the only music in the spruces,
and the stars, as they faded out, offered themselves to me
like glasses of water ringing by the empty linens of the dead.
When Delilah watched the dark hair of her lover
tumble, she did not shatter. When Abraham
relented, he did not relent.
Still, I would tell you of the humbling and the waking.
I would tell you of the wild hours of surrender,
when the river stripped the cove’s stones
from the margin and the blackbirds built
their strict songs in the high
pines, when the great nests swayed the lattice
of the branches, the moon’s brute music
touching them with fire.
And you, there, stranger in the sway
of it, what would you have done
there, in the ruins, when they rose
from you, when the burning wings
ascended, when the old ghosts
shook the music from your branches and the great lie
of your one sweet life was lifted?
How my heart longs for you, my Beloved.
Who are you to me?
What kind of magic pulls me towards you,
against all the odds?
It feels irresistible, yet my mind is clouded with doubts.
Are you a mere past mistake, repeating itself infinitely
until I give up on love completely?
Believe me, my love, I am not far away from that.
My solitude, once cold, bitter and unwelcome
is becoming a warm blanket, wrapping me in safety and bitter-sweet tears.
I give infinite space to my emotions as they are bursting into being,
the distance between me and the outside world becoming so vast.
People’s voices becoming a distant echo,
my long and tiresome walks to respond to them becoming more and more rare.
As such, my heart will not be given away lightly,
only to sob with disappointment and self-doubt.
Enough of that!
Yes, I will love you from a distance,
replaying your words in my head for a while,
then exhaling them and letting go.
You too will become a memory,
stirring my weary heart over a silent cup of tea.
Yes, my Beloved, it’s enough
to know you
for a while.
I am ok even if you’re not ok with me.
I am a fundamentally good person who tries her best.
I have the right to act on what feels right to me.
I have the right to listen to my own intuition.
Go ahead, abandon me, live out my biggest fear.
Teach me how well I can take care of me,
even with nobody else around.
Go ahead, be upset, be angry, be pissed off.
Shame me for speaking my truth.
Yes it feels so uncomfortable
and all I want to do is run after you and apologise.
But I won’t, because I’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m not a needy person for having needs and wants.
I have a Self, with thoughts, wishes and emotions
I am entitled to make those matter to me.
Most importantly, I am ok even when you’re not ok with me.
My anger is not the enemy. It is an ally, shaking me awake when I’m wrapped up in politically correct thoughts, when I gasp and shake my head when I write something bad about others in my journal. ‘Oh my God, how selfish I am. I cannot expect others to cater to my needs. I’m just going to detach until this rant is over and I can go back to my sane self.‘
Well, NO. My anger is not going to let me go back to being sane. She keeps tugging at the chains of my prison, my low self-esteem.
I want you to buy a notebook and keep me with you everywhere so you can hear me. Stop trying to be some bloody saint. You are human with human needs and there is nothing wrong with that. Guess what, if others don’t take care of you by being friendly and being considerate of your needs they have NO PLACE in your life!!! You don’t have to mold yourself into something acceptable or hold yourself back. If I am angry it’s because I don’t feel respected and there is NOTHING shameful about that. Don’t you DARE turn me into something acceptable to please others. I will NEVER be conquered by any convention or politically correct behaviour.
Looks like I have some Kali energy in me that needs exploring. :) She also gave me some ideas on how to best employ my creativity and I can’t wait to get started on that. No matter how pissed off and seemingly self-centered she gets sometimes, I know that she is not the enemy. She’s an ancient force that pierces through any limitations that I place upon myself in order to fit in and keep myself small. It’s a comfort to know she’s looking out for me, making me look at the truth of things when I’m too busy being nice.
“It is for love’s sake yet more than for any other that we look for that new time…
Then when that time comes…when love is no more bought or sold, when it is not
a means of making bread, when each woman’s life is filled with earnest,
independent labour, then love will come to her, a strange sudden sweetness
breaking in upon her earnest work; not sought for, but found.”
– Olive Schreiner, The Story of an African Farm
Realisations during meditation
I hurt myself with my thoughts. It’s important to take a step back and to sit with myself in silence to feel that pain and to witness it happen, so I can better understand how my brain works. It’s important to take some distance from my thoughts and to feel the bodily sensations beneath them. It’s important to feel how my thoughts are affecting my emotional and physical well-being and how they are creating anxiety. Where do I give power away to others, leaving me feeling frustrated and helpless? Where do my thoughts block me from moving forwards and following my heart’s desires? Where am I sabotaging myself? Can I observe my thoughts without getting carried away? Can I come to a point of stillness where I am grounded in the truth of who I am?
When I take a step back I create a space for freedom from drama and therefore a window for change. That is the purpose of meditation for me. That’s why it’s necessary to take out those 30 minutes a day. I journal to hear my thoughts, I meditate to remember I am the ocean instead of the waves.
“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away… and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast…. be happy about your growth, in which of course you can’t take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don’t torment them with your doubts and don’t frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn’t be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust…. and don’t expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet