In Moments of Pain and Frightening Unease

In moments of pain and frightening unease
know that this too shall pass
This wild, magnificent being within
will hold you and sing you lullabies
as you wail your tears in your pillow.
Take every breath as it comes
-easy now-
and think of the sea
cleansing you

When you open your eyes again
after a long, sleepless night
full of despair
know that you’re a warrior now.
You are Persephone

clad in white
after months of wearing only rags.

You have seen the underworld
Yet it has not scared you.
You have passed the test
You have survived.

Now, my dear, breathe…
You are free
You have found your own strength
Go now into the world and live
with
stubborn
gladness
at how loved you are

A witness past bedtime

Sometimes, right before I go to sleep, I stare dreamily into my closet mirror. It’s strange how little I know my own face, my expressions, my little gasps of joy and grief. The subdued light of my night lamp makes my body glow softly and for the first time that day I feel truly present.
The house is silent, my cat is purring on the bed and all feels right with the world.
There are days when I watch the tears fall from my face, one by one, my eyes red and puffy and my hair a wild mess of pain and rebellion. Watching myself in the depths of sorrow shakes me awake, makes me feel better and worse at the same time. I have a witness now. I’m not alone.
But I am. Of course.
Sometimes, at that late hour, it’s not my own tears that I witness, but those of my mother.
The walls are thin, here in this house made of air and star dust.
I don’t feel anything, not the slightest hint of compassion. I just stare at my reflection and wonder how I got here in the first place. Who are these two people in the room next to me, one sleeping in indifference and the other quietly sobbing at her loveless fate?

I don’t know them at all.

The first raindrops of grace

When the first raindrop falls
I will whisper your name.
Were you not here only yesterday,
Or has time become one
of my shattered illusions?

I remember you
and my heart has been silent
for too long.
Seasons pass with intolerable ease
The streets infused with memories.
Under the starry sky
my hands still reach for you
My aching dreams
are filled with your laughter.

Living courageously
breathing life
into my abandoned heart,
only my tender pillow a witness
of my colorful world as I once knew it
slowly gliding away
like quicksand.

Me, without you
what an impossible thought.
I’m a confused soul
wandering the streets at night
waiting for the first raindrops
of grace
that never come.

An Estranged Friend

Surrounded by solitude
That familiar bruise
Acting up again
A scared little girl
in a universe of coldness
shivering her way to a golden piece of dust

She knows there is no other way
Others can’t reach her there
The most tender touch
just a small ripple
on the deep sea of her broken heart

Love has become
an estranged friend
no longer trusted, sought for
or recognised
She simply can’t fill the emptiness

Nostalgia

Nostalgic
a world beyond my fingertips
I can barely reach
A familiar sensation
of not belonging

Wish I could head
in the opposite direction.

Under the warm cloak of night
I feel a pull so heavy and insistent
it takes me by surprise.
Have I been here before?
If not, what is it that I miss?
Why does that old clock
makes me want to burst out
in bittersweet tears?

Floating in different directions
My heart straining
so big and wide
Open, warm, tearful love
Sprinkled all over my chest
How vast and infinite we are.

A thousand lifetimes
spent, wandering,
breathing, whispering,
calling, but never finding.
You.

Change and lives that went missing

Where do I go from here?
Feels like I’m pulling on a leash,
further and further
tentatively
until the moment comes
When I have pushed too far,
wanted to change too much,
and inescapably,
my world will be
propelled back
to the exact spot
from where I once came.

Breaking free
A constant battle
banishing the old
like a lover
no longer welcome
banging on your door.
It messes with your senses
A hazy mind
Pay attention now
Don’t clutch at the wrong straws.

A light in the darkness,
A dark friend,
A magpie in all its glory
the sacred alchemy
of black, blue and white.
Ever wondering
Should you embrace
your darkness or your light?

The darkness feels a little gentler now,
warm like a humid cave
Nourished by the womb of the earth.

Blinded, desperate, cast away,
you grasp at the parts of you
that went missing a thousand years ago.